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Occupational Hazards - Job Jokes
Friday afternoon, the rush hour bus is jam-packed with commuters. Everyone was feeling like sardines in a can. People stood face-to-face, back-to-back. A young woman was wearing a miniskirt was feeling particularly uncomfortable with her situation.
As if feeling discomfort, a construction worker behind her said, "Pardon me, miss, but that thing pressing into your back is my weekly pay - Today they only paid us hard cash!"
"I don't mind your hard cash," replied the woman, "but how do you explain your pay increase since the last stop?"
After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."
"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"
"You did. All over his suit, "Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him," said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
Psychological Christmas Songs
SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Kings Disoriented Are.
DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.
NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)
MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town. Or - Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!
PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.
OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell . . .
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.
PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).
Ten "If's" You Need To Know
1. If it rings, put it on hold.
2. If it clunks, call the repairman.
3. If it whistles, ignore it.
4. If it's a friend, stop work and chat.
5. If it's the Boss, look busy.
6. If it talks, take notes.
7. If it's handwritten, type it.
8. If it's typed, copy it.
9. If it's copied, file it.
10. If it's Friday, FORGET IT!
The Ten Most Important Men In A Woman's Life
1. The Doctor - because he says, "Take your clothes off."
2. The Dentist - because he says, "Open wide."
3. The Hairdresser - because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"
4. The Milkman - because he says, "Do you want it in the front or the back?"
5. The Interior Decorator - because he says, "Once it's in, you'll love it!"
6. The Stock Broker - because he says, "It will rise right up, fluctuate for a while, and then slowly fall back again."
7. The Banker - because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest.
8. The Hunter - because he goes deep in the bush, shoots twice, and always eats what he shoots.
9. The Telephone Guy - because he says, "Would you like it on the table or up against the wall?
10. The Mailman - because he always delivers!
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