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Company Directive: Gravity Shutdown

In order to facilitate the moving of certain heavy equipment, not to mention necessary maintenance, renovation, and inferior decorating, there will be NO GRAVITY in the above referenced building and its immediate environs this upcoming WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 21, 2000, between 9 and 11 A.M. and between 2 and 4 P.M., just prior to the Thanksgiving semester break.

These activities are an ESSENTIAL component of our administrative commitment, termed TOTAL GRAVITY MANAGEMENT, that everything in this exceptional institution should be kept up in the air. The Gravity Shut-Down is entirely unrelated to the contemporaneous furlough of non-essential Federal government employees. You may not want to work during this period, and even if you want to work, you won't be able to.

However, it you want to try to work, please observe the following precautions and regulations because of safety reasons: 1. Unless you have adequate working facilities on your ceiling, you should ensure that any materials intended for use on that day be securely attached to a conventional surface. Heavy-duty twine for this purpose will be issued from the Departmental stockroom to all those with VALID and CURRENT credit cards (please give the stockroom staff 6 months notice as to the amount that you will be needing). Do not use typewriter ribbons or any other supplies taken from the secretarial offices.

2. Water is liable to act in a wildly unorthodox manner. We suggest that you do not open taps, and exercise extraordinary care with hoses to reflux condensers. By NO means should you flush any toilets.

3. It goes without saying that the lack of a gravitational field must be properly accounted for when making experimental observations normally affected by same. On the other hand, this might be an ideal time to try out those exotic gravity-free crystal growth techniques. Instructors and TAs should be particularly suspicious of all weight-based yields that are submitted in the undergraduate teach laboratories.

4. To contend with students who have even more trouble than usual staying in their seats, faculty should strive to prepare and deliver unusually stimulating lectures.

5. The newly retarred, but not yet refeathered, Koldoften Hall roof will be the site of an especially wacky intrasquad scrimmage by the Goofer football team.

6. The State Bored on Worker's Compensation has issued a ruling that disclaims all liability for personal injury or death caused by any suspensions of the Laws of Nature. Should anything untoward happen to you, we specifically encourage and invite lawsuits as our large legal staff has extensive training and experience in handling all manners of claims.

We apologize for the short notice, and for any inconvenience.

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