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Occupational Hazards - Job Jokes
Occupational Hazard of the Week Archive

May 2001

Top Signs Your Company is Planning a Layoff

1. CEO frequently overheard mumbling, "Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Moe."

2. Dr. Kevorkian has been hired as "Transition Consultant."

3. Windows shutdown screen reads: "It's Now Safe to Start Looking for Work."

4. Company softball team down-sized to chess team.

5. Sudden proliferation of teen-age geek interns.

6. Your boss keeps asking you when he can "show your cubicle."

7. Company president now driving a Hyundai.

8. Annual company holiday bash moved from Sheraton banquet room to abandoned Fotomat booth.

9. Giant yard sale in front of corporate headquarters.

10. Company dental plan now consists of pliers and string.

Smile and Say "Thank You"

Three guys and two ladies were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know - Young, Urban,Professional, Peaceful; Intelligent; Ecologist"

The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know - Double Income, No Kids."

The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know - Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to two woman and ask them each, "What are you?"

The first woman replies, "I'm a W.I.F.E., you know - Wash, Iron, F*ck, Etc."

The second woman says, "And I'm a B.I.T.C.H. - Babe In Total Control of Herself.

So ladies, next time somebody calls you a Bitch - SMILE. And, say Thank You!

The person who knows "how" will always have a job.

The person who knows "why" will always be his boss.

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."

[dramatic pause]

"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

A doctor, a priest and a lawyer are caught out at sea when a storm hits, battering their small boat with sheets of rain and blasts of wind. Looking off the bow, they spot still more cause for pause: the surrounding waters are thick with circling sharks.

As the storm intensifies, it is clear that their only hope for survival is to swim for shore for help. The three draw straws, and the lawyer, who gets the shortest, bravely jumps overboard.

At once, he is approached by a toothy shark. "Jump on my back and I'll take you in," says the shark. The lawyer hops on and grabs a fin.

The doctor and priest are awestruck. "Hey," explains the shark. "It's just professional courtesy."

Half Full or Half Empty?

A well-known proverb states that an optimistic would say a glass is half full, while a pessimist would say it is half empty. What would people of different professions and walks of life say?

The BANKER would say that the glass has just under 50% of its net worth in liquid assets.

The ENGINEER would say that the glass is bigger than it needs to be.

The GOVERNMENT would say that the glass is fuller than if the opposition party were in power.

The OPPOSITION would say that it is irrelevant because the present administration has changed the way such volume statistics are collected.

The ECONOMIST would say that, in real terms, the glass is 25% fuller than at the same time last year.

The PHILOSOPHER would say that, if the glass was in the forest and no one was there to see it, would it be half anything?

The PSYCHIATRIST would ask, "What did your mother say about the glass?"

The PHYSICIST would say that the volume of this cylinder is divided into two equal parts; one a colorless, odorless liquid, the other a colorless, odorless gas. Thus the cylinder is neither full nor empty. Rather, each half of the cylinder is full, one with a gas, one with a liquid.

The SEASONED DRINKER would say that the glass doesn't have enough ice in it.

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