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Occupational Hazards - Job Jokes
Occupational Hazard of the Week Archive

July 2001

Employee Evaluations

As taken from the personnel files of employees in a large US corporation:

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom - and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity." "I would not allow this employee to breed."

"This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been,' but more of a definite won't be.'"

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

De Occupational Hazards

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed?

Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Bed makers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered.

Bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose.

On a more positive note though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.

On the Job - FAQs

Q: What's the difference between your boss and the subway?
A: Sometimes you miss the subway.

Q: What's the difference between a mosquito and your boss?
A: One's a relentless, pain-inflicting bloodsucker. The other's an insect.

Q: What's the difference between your boss and time?
A: You can kill time.

Q: What did your boss say to the cannon?
A: You're fired!

Q: What did your boss say to the calendar?
A: Your days are numbered!

Q: What did your boss say to the bridge?
A: You're suspended!

Q: What did your boss say to George Washington ?
A: You're history!

Q: Why won't the postman go to your boss's house ?
A: Because his dog's mean, too.

Q: How's your job at the clock company?
A: Only time will tell.

Q: How's your job at the banana company?
A: I keep slipping up!

Q: How's your job on the new highway?
A: I'm so busy I don't know which way to turn.

Q: How's your job at the travel agency?
A: I'm going nowhere.

Q: How's your job at the swivel chair company?
A: It makes my head spin!

Q: How's your job at the pie company?
A: It didn't pan out.

Q: How's your job at the balloon factory?
A: We can't keep up with inflation.

Q: How's your job at the history book company?
A: There's no future in it!

Chapter and Worse

A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody - it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.

When he had finished, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."

A year later, the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice. The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.

"Absolutely," replied the businessman.

"You went to the beach?"


"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"


"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"


"And what were the first words you saw?"

"Chapter 11."

Memo: Toilet Policy

In the past employees were permitted to make trips to the toilet under informal guidelines. Effective immediately, a toilet policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee's toilet time, thereby ensuring equal toilet time for all employees. Under the policy a "TOILET TRIP BANK" will be established for each employee.

On the first day of each month, employees will be given twenty toilet trip credits.These credits may be accumulated! Within two weeks, the entrance doors to all toilets are to be equipped with Personnel Identification Electronic Stations (PIES) and computer linked with voice print recognition devices.

Before the end of the month each employee must provide two (2) copies of his/her voice prints, one normal and one under stress, to the personnel department. The voice print recognition stations will be operational but not restrictive for the rest of the month. When installed, employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during this commissioning period.

If and employee's toilet trip bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the toilet will not unlock for that employee until the first of the next month. In addition, all toilet bowls are being equipped with timed paper roll retractors.

If the toilet is occupied for more than three (3) minutes, an alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract into the dispenser, the toilet will flush and the toilet door will open. If the toilet remains occupied, your picture will be taken. The picture will be posted on the noticeboard. Anyone whose picture appears any more than three (3) times will have cause for instant dismissal.

If you have any questions regarding this policy, please discuss with your personnel officer.

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