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Bartender Jokes
Bartender and Cocktail Waitress Jokes


A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts.

To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. "You look great tonight!" it said. "You really look fantastic - And that after shave is just wonderful!" The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it.

Realizing he has no cigarettes he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine. "You BASTARD. Oh my god you STINK. Do you know, you're almost as ugly as your mother!"

By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the bartender for an explanation.

"Ah yes sir," the bartender responds. "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."

This guy walks into a bar and sits down on a stool. The guy then starts to push on his hand like he's dialing a phone and then talks into it. The bartender notices this and says, "Hey mister this is a bad part of town and unless you want to get beat up, stop talking into your hand and get out."

The guy says, "No you don't understand. I'm advanced and have had a chipped put in my hand so I can talk into it like a cellphone." So to prove that he's not crazy to the bartener, the guy dials up a number and lets the bartender talk on his hand. The bartender belives him and the guy stays at the bar.

Well, all of a sudden the guy gets up and runs to the restroom and is in there for a really long time. The bartender gets worried and goes to check up on him.

When the barteder goes into the restroom he sees the guy sprawled up against the wall with his pants hanging down and a roll of toilt paper shoved up his butt. The bartender says," Oh, my God! What happened? Are you okay? Did you get robbed?"

To which the guy replies,"No... I'm just waiting for a fax."

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