Defense lawyer: "You're a fool."

Prosecutor: "And you're a damn fool."

Judge: "As the learned lawyers have now identified each other, can we now proceed with the case?"

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The lawyer wandered home at three am. His wife became very upset, telling him, "You're late! You said you'd be home by 11:45!"

The lawyer replied, "I'm right on time, dear. I said I'd be home by a quarter of twelve."