Q: Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Q: When do you really need a lawyer?
A: When you're talking to a lawyer.

Q: What was the outcome when a lawyer sued because he tore his clothes when he slipped on a banana skin?
A: He lost the suit on appeal

Q: Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
A: New Jersey got first pick.