Occupational Hazard of the Week Joke Archive

Laugh along with madcap scientists, crazy shrinks, sick doctors, clever bartenders, dumb waiters, and ingenious engineers. Check out job hunting jokes, corporate wisdom, office humor, and coffee jokes. Have a revenge chuckle about lawyers, dentists, IRS, police, judges, or that #%$@%! boss. Enjoy!

Occupational Hazards - Job Jokes
Occupational Hazard of the Week Archive

August 2001

Things You Wish You Could Say At Work

1. Ahhh, I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. I'll try being nicer, if you'll try being smarter.

7. I don't work here, I'm a consultant.

8. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

9. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

10. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

11. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

12. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

13. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

14. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean that you're an artist.

15. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

16. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

Golden Rules for a Successful Working Life
According to George Costanza

Never Walk Without a Document in Your Hands.
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

Use Computers to Look Busy.
Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss - and you will get caught - your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

Messy Desk
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

Voice Mail
Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.

Looking Impatient and Annoyed
According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

Leave the Office Late
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.

Creative Sighing for Effect
Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.

Stacking Strategy
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).

Build Vocabulary
Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

MOST IMPORTANT:
DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!

Sure Signs You're Burned Out Due to Work

10. You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell."

9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back, jerk!"

8. Your garbage can IS your "in" box.

7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.

6. You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.

5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

4. You sleep more at work than at home.

3. You leave for a party and instinctively take your ID badge.

2. Your Day Timer exploded a week ago.

1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.

Personal Daily Workout

Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily, but my body doesn't want me to do to much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise. You are invited to use my program without charge.

1) Beating around the bush
2) Jumping to conclusions
3) Climbing the walls
4) Swallowing my pride
5) Passing the buck
6) Throwing my weight around
7) Dragging my heels
8) Pushing my luck
9) Making mountains out of molehills
10) Hitting the nail on the head
11) Wading through paperwork
12) Bending over backwards
13) Jumping on the bandwagon
14) Balancing the books
15) Running around in circles
16) Eating crow
17) Tooting my own horn
18) Climbing the ladder of success
19) Pulling out the stops
20) Adding fuel to the fire
21) Opening a can of worms
22) Putting my foot in my mouth
23) Starting the ball rolling
24) Going over the edge
25) Picking up the pieces

Whew! What a workout! I think I'll exercise my caution now, and sit down.

Back to the top of page...

Hazard of the Week Joke Archive Last Updated
August 31, 2001

Guaranteed to
Relieve Job Stress:

Go Shopping!
| Find Unique Stuff |
| Get Really Nice Stuff |