Stock Broker Jokes

A prominent Wall Street tycoon, Kennedy J. Morgan, wants to hire an MIT C.S. graduate student to program the ultimate financial advisor expert system. It turns out that MIT is too expensive, so instead Kennedy gets an undergraduate in applied math from the University of California at Hollywood.

After months of programming and millions of dollars of research, the programming is finally done, and Kennedy proudly calls up his new toy. Instantly on the screen: "Bank Street Advisor: Ready. Enter command."

Kennedy types in: "Request: Bank Street Advisor, compute the secret to success on stock market." The reply is instantaneous. Crackling on the neon green of the screen is one ominous flashing word: "Working."

Kennedy is nervous. He paces around. Nothing's happening. Waits more. Hum. Nothing is happening. Waits still more; nothing. To take his mind off of the wait, Kennedy does some business work - Evicting widows and orphans, and so forth.

Days pass and, still, all that's on the screen is: "Working." The program's sucking in data at a hideous rate, but still no answer. Kennedy's frazzled, and his stocks are plummeting; he's forced to sell! sell! sell!

Kennedy is almost broke when finally the answer comes up: "Bank Street Writer: Answer computed. Hit space bar. Buy Low. Sell high." Kennedy is not amused. In desperation, he types in: "Request: Bank Street Advisor, I need financial advice. What is the best financial advice you can give me? How can I stop wasting money?"

The answer is fast: "Sell the computer." Kennedy is plucking out his hair in a frenzy. But he realizes that all he has to do is phrase his requests correctly. Request: "How can I predict which stocks will go up in value?" Curiously, the answer doesn't take long: "Make predictions while floating submerged in fizzy apple juice."

Kennedy tries it, and it works. "It works?" his advisors asks. "Yeah, it works," says Kennedy. "What, haven't you heard of in-cider trading?"

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